People are Panicky and Stupid and You Know it!

It's sad but most people only look at themselves and/or what directly affects them. America is in debt and has been for the LONGEST TIME! No one cared as much until it started to affect their own personal lives. America, as a whole, will never see the big picture. We will always be in debt because there will always be more people expecting to receive, than willing to give.
{I posted this personal opinion on my facebook wall and it got me in all sorts of trouble. And, as always, people thought the worst of me. Oops!}

I DO think that it's NOT right to just simply not pay our men and women who serve, however, that is not the case the government is trying to make... or, was trying to make. I am going to quote my military husband on this, just because he words it well:

“The troops won't be loosing any money. One of those cases where everyone believes something to be true because they fear it to be true. The last time the government shutdown, they didn't loose any pay. It is mostly a technical (software) issue, at this point. The only real concern is whether they will get a full paycheck on the 15th (which is what they are working on) or a half paycheck and a paycheck and a half on May 1st. The shutdown cuts operating costs, and a very select few paychecks. Those not getting paychecks, are also not working for the duration (I know a few guys at the local base that fall into that category, but they are so overpaid (and overworked) that they are looking forward to the time off. I don't even know how the troops even entered the shutdown debate, considering it was never suggested (except by a couple politicians who are adverse to the shutdown and fear monger for their cause) and never occurred in two previous shutdowns.”

This is what happens when people make a big deal about what directly affects them... Everyone panics, and it's silly. The government is trying to fix a huge problem the best way that they know how, with money(I don't like it either). Like I said, the money has to come from somewhere... it's just like when we all get 'kicker checks'. Of course, NO ONE complains about those, because everyone is fine with getting money from the 'broke' government. Does anyone even understand where that money comes from and how it works? Let's all whine and cry about how the government needs to change, but then not do a damn thing to help and/or accept that change without freaking the hell out.

You know, there are countries out there who would gladly accept someone as their citizen; countries who don't even have a military and/or are completely Socialist; everyone gets equal everything! In the U.S., idiots have been spending money on stupid and ridiculous things since well before I was born. This is how it is, and this is how it will always be unless people start allowing change to happen.

A Good Day for "Blah"

What I've done

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

-Linkin Park


Today, for some reason, I can't seem to fight this extreme feeling of humiliation... if it's even that. Every second feels like another freak-out or breakdown waiting to happen. I'm really starting to wonder what in the hell is going on with me. I'm acting in a way that I am COMPLETELY unfamiliar with. I don't want anyone to see me this way. I don't even want to see me this way; let alone BE this way. Bare with me, Self!

A Little More Than a Spaz...

I wish everyone was here to experience the magic and beauty flowing out of my stereo and blasting through the house! I'm a conductor; a guitarist; a drummer; a singer; a dancer and head-banger(all through the art of “air”)! I OWN this stage! I am unstoppable! Music is my vice...

\m/ (>.<) \m/

Resentful Displeasure or Not

Is one only considered to have good morals if they take resentful displeasure in the fact that others have different beliefs than them? What about people like me, who are easy-going and don't get offended by simple little things?

A few days ago, I had a woman tell me that she did not want to associate with someone who did not get offended by something they didn't believe in. I went on to tell her that it was silly to assume that people don't have any kind of morals if they don't get offended, and therefore, not wanting to be around them. This debate went on for awhile... I left off with saying something along the lines of: “Getting offended is selfish and somewhat narcissistic. No one should expect others to go out of their way to not offend someone.” At that point, she deleted the entire debate and here's what she said when I asked her why (As to not mention any names, we will call her Narcissa):

Narcissa - “lol...movin on lady movin on...hope you aren't offended-lol”

My Response - “Not offended, but how come you don't delete all of your posts to move on? I really wanted to show my husband our back and forth. I just see no reason for you to have deleted it.”

Narcissa - “Well it isn't your wall now is it...hahaha!!” { Wall, meaning on facebook}

My Response - “Everyone deletes my postings, I swear. Maybe I'm too pushy, or I make too much sense... whatever. I just think it's lame that you deleted it for no apparent reason.”

Narcissa- “Just call me the lamealotacus, stomp your foot a few times and get over it...would be silly to hold on to irritation or offense to a deleted post...hehe” {Oh yeah? Sounds like you're ready to Tango with Nicole... Let's go.}

My Response - “Oh, I see what you're trying to do. Why are you trying to offend me? So, that was your intention for deleting the post. I learn something new everyday... hmm. “

Narcissa- “Yes...upset is just one of the ways people show they are offended by actions or words...we ALL have our Achilles heel...I am an intelligent woman, but I am very sensitive...so when my feelings are hurt (which isn't hard to do at all) I am offended...but I gathered that you are more of a thinker than a feeler, so I took the opportunity to take away your need to reflect on a great debate...we can all learn from eachother...even those who vary greatly from our personality type...as long as there is respect...that was why I added you as a friend...that, and I think you may have issues with connecting with others on a deep emotional level-lol” {This bitch, “took the opportunity” to take away my need to reflect on a great debate? I'm still laughing at that one. “As long as there is respect.” Watch as I pull some respect right out of my ass...}

My Response-”Well, I wasn't offended that you deleted it. I just wanted to know why, and you wouldn't say directly, but it is now obvious that it was to get a reaction out of me. I NEVER said that I don't get offended. I'm also not a test subject, and don't need someone to treat me like a psych patient. Don't fuck with me! If you knew me at all, you would know how much of a feeler I actually am. I FEEL so much for other people, that I'm not quick to judge, and I definitely leave people to their own morals. Also, when I add friends, it's NOT because I want to teach them a lesson. Who the hell do you think you are? Also, go ahead and delete this so your precious friends can't read about you DISRESPECTING someone, just as you wouldn't like someone to do to you. You're right, we can all learn from each other. ANYONE who tries to find my "Achilles Heel," just to throw it in my face... IS NOT a friend. You should have taken your own advice from what you commented on MY wall post, which I didn't delete. I don't know what makes you think that you've got the right to play therapist. Friendship is NO game... even for "a thinker." { In short- Don't fuck with me!}

Some people need to actually practice what they preach. I usually never go on the offensive, but I will instinctively go on the DEFENSIVE when someone tries to fuck with my head. People can believe whatever they want to believe, without trying to drag others into it. I wish more people would be able to let others be who they are. But, I also understand that when someone is intentionally trying to upset someone else's well-being, certain defense mechanisms are going to kick in. Easy-going does NOT mean weak. It just means that you save your energy for worth while battles. Everyone has their own morals, and it's up to THEM to decide whether they are right or wrong; good or bad.

Poor Narcissa, the world will NEVER flip upside down for you. Be prepared to be offended for the rest of your precious little life!

The Whole Truth and Nothing But

The hardest part about being blunt and telling the truth is that I don't have many close friends. And the friends I do have, tend to shy away from telling me things, because they don't want to hear the plain truth. I can only say it nicely so many times. People need to get better about handling the truth, and not expect everyone to walk on eggshells around them. I would so much rather someone tell me that I'm being stupid(or whatever it is they think of me), upfront, than find out that they think I'm stupid, yet don't want to hurt my feelings. Just like any relationship, friendship isn't something to flake around with. I don't want fake nice people around me. I want REAL, honest people; people who don't aim to please.
At the same time, I understand how the truth can make people feel absolutely horrible about themselves... but wouldn't someone rather be the one friend who helps someone face the harsh truth, rather than the friend who sugar-coats everything, so the friendship stays in a happy little bubble?
Some people actually treat their love and marriage relationships like this. How can they live life so fake? That would eat me up inside...On another note, sticking with the truth is more depressing, I think. It sometimes fills me with so much hate, that I don't know what to do with myself. I can completely understand why someone would be crazy and would resort to any means to get away from pain like that. If I were to live my life by flooding myself with truth, I would have "off-ed" myself already. There is so much pain and suffering in truth... especially when you think about people in other countries(what ACTUALLY happens to them), Animal cruelty, pollution, etc... The truth about any of those things can bring even the strongest mind to its knees.
Maybe THAT'S the hardest part for me... Knowing that we HAVE to stray away from the truth sometimes... for sanity's sake. But, at the same time, the harsh truth can be an excellent way to encourage and/or motivate people to take action. I still want truth... even if it breaks me. It's REAL, and that's what I want to be.

When the Doctors don't Help

This is my most recent posting from a different blog site:

December 7^th , 2010

Please, Stop.

The whole world changes when I'm sick. Everything is different! I become afraid of everything and panic every time I leave the comfort of my home. It's funny how the human brain can do so many fucked up things to whichever body it's attached to.

I feel so helpless! Test after test, and still, nothing seems to be wrong. Obviously, something is wrong... or I wouldn't have to cower on my couch everyday with a heating pad, trying to forget about the pain. After so long, my pain tolerance has gone WAY down. I can't handle it anymore. It throws me into panic attacks and I desperately want it to end. I cry over thoughts of suicide. It saddens me that my thoughts go that far; as far as to thinking that death is the only way to end the suffering. This really is no way to live, but it's also no way to die.
I never thought I would be a sick person or a person in constant pain. The invincible feeling I had as a child followed me well into my teens. I held on to it longer than most, but it's gone. I'm a fighter and I'm fighting... but I'm starting to lose.

August 1^st , 2009

Let me Give you Something that is Real...

Where is the switch so many people use to turn off their problems?.. I need one.

Here I am, awake again. There's nothing I can do but write about it. I suppose it helps, but it doesn't turn off my brain. I always seem to find a sweet little sanctuary in the sound waves of music. Funny, though, how it doesn't help me sleep.

I really want to feel happiness again: true, pure, innocent bliss...

Why can't I just have an "off" switch where it won't feel like I'm selling my soul to use?

Because Nicole, you're an asshole. 

{Please, refrain from suggesting drugs, and or worse things!}

I Still Miss it...

July 28^th, 2009

I Wanted to Tell you, I Miss it.

All of these songs flood my mind with memories of the past; memories that make my whole body shake. I can't believe the things I've done, and where I am at now. I never did anything wrong, but my memories break me down into what looks like an abused child, quivering in the corner. Everyone who is anyone will tell me to stop listening, to stop beating myself up over the past.

I cannot help myself. It's like an addiction. I'm scared to remember, but I need to.

I miss myself.

I miss the one who knew me best.{I miss you too!}

When Love is Found and Lost; Not the Other Way Around

It's really hard for me to even publish this one. I feel trapped just reading it. It needs to be read though:

July 24^th, 2009

Starting Off... I'm sorry

There are so many things one can do to distract themselves. An important person in my life once told me to play some music while I pour my heart out in writing, and keep on writing; until my mind is IN writing. Also, another friend of mine recommended an internet radio site which plays the music I choose. It has been a few days now, and I am totally addicted to music and writing.

There has always been something about music...

I've been living for about 11 months now with my world upside down. In August of last year, I was laid off from the only thing that was allowing me to live an independent life. I had no idea my whole life would change so dramatically... I HAVE no idea what I am doing now. I wake up almost everyday expecting to be back in my old apartment, getting ready for another ritualistic day of work. Yes, I was one of those workaholics. It's not that I cared only about my job, it's just that I knew it was the only thing keeping me balanced in this thing the people of this world refer to as "the life."

That wasn't all I had though. I had a lover.

I want to tell you a little about how we met and what made us so drawn to one another. It's all simple really: He came to me and I saw him for the first time at my parent's house, standing at the corner of the driveway in a trench coat and sneakers. I ran up to hug him straight way... I don't even remember saying a word until after. That was it! Before I knew it, I was road tripping to Seattle with him and his two friends.

It was there that we shared our first kiss; my first ever. We held hands and walked down by the bay of the Puget Sound. I remember the smell of salt, and the slight breeze, which made me cling to him a bit more. He kept whispering that he loved me. I could never say it back, but I knew... I knew I loved him too. That trip alone, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. After we returned from our getaway, I decided that I was moving to Eugene, Oregon... to be with him.

The truth is, there were so many things that attracted me to him. He was different, like me. We shared the same soft heart, the same hate, the same passion for music. He was my one. For 5 years we were together. We never let anything of this world get to us. Anything that happened only made us stronger, and we stuck together.

Why we didn't last... he should know all too well{Yet, I don't think he ever will truly understand. And, I don't think I will ever be able to not feel like an asshole about it}...

When you Bleed just to Know You're Alive

 I remember driving the streets of the Waikiki strip in Honolulu, Hawaii. My friends and I were blasting this song, and singing to it at the top of our lungs. I only wonder if they actually felt the same way as I did; like nothing could touch us.

February 8^th 2008

Song for the Moment

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

-Goo Goo Dolls-

This song is for the days that I don't want to wake up; the days I don't want to even go outside.

Oh, Holy Night

June 2,2007

Glass Breaking Silence

"My Violent Heart"

You and I, we may look the same
But we are very far apart
There's bullet-holes where my compassion used to be
And there is violence in my heart

Into fire you can send us
From the fire we return
You can label us a consequence
Of how much you have to learn

You can try but you'll never understand
This is something you will never understand
Can you hear it now?
Hear it coming now?
Can you hear it now?

On hands and knees
We crawl
You cannot stop us all
you wear our bones
our skin
We will not let you in

You have set something in motion

Much greater than you've ever known

Standing there in all your grand naivety

About to reap what you have sown

Time will feed upon your weaknesses
And soon you'll lose the will to care
When you return to the place that you call home
We will be there, we will be there

On hands and knees
We crawl
You cannot stop us all
Our blood will stay
We will not go away

On hands and knees
We crawl
You can not stop us all
Our blood, our grace
Will never leave this place
-Nine Inch Nails-

This song caught my attention today. The lyrics ran over and over again in my head:

The other night, I was out walking my dog, when someone threw a glass bottle, straight at us, out of their car window. I didn't even see the car or who threw it. I just remember feeling the shards of glass hit my leg the second it exploded on the concrete (For those of you who don't know, the sound of breaking glass gets to me in the worst way). It startled the hell out of me. I even cried for a minute.

Now, one thing I do not understand, in the first place, is why people do the things they do to people they don't even know... especially when they get paid no mind. I find it funny, that the only way these assholes get any reaction out of me, is by messing with my instincts. All I wanted to do is walk. I was almost one with the quiet night. I'm sure a lot of cars passed by that night, but didn't pay attention to a single one of them. For some reason, the person in THIS car couldn't stand it. They couldn't just let me be. What was it that they saw or thought that made them throw a GLASS bottle of all things?

What they didn't think about, was exactly who they were messing with.(laughs). They have no idea which fire they're fueling. I don't know who they are, and I don't need to. People like that only make me more proud to be the kind of person that I am. I don't care what they do to me. One thing they can NEVER break is my spirit or my fire. It's like a fire in a coal mine. It supplies it's own fuel, and NEVER goes out! {People like you just fuel my fire. People like you just do.

Yeah, I think this is the end of my rant. Go ahead, break my day.

The First Addition to my Zoo

 Since this incident, I've come to the conclusion that most dogs are bulimic. Rocco has been sick many more times since then. Also, It drives me nuts to read it, because my story-telling skills are awful. Enjoy:

June 2^nd , 2007

Rocco Gets Sick

About an hour or so ago, I was in the middle of posting a blog, when I hear this HORRID gagging, swishing sound. Rocco, my dog, had wedged himself in between the couch and footrest and puked this yellow mucus, which instantly started foaming...Yeah... I freaked. He thought I was mad at him and ran off, where he puked again, and again. I took him outside where he did it again, and again. He seemed to be feeling better, so I brought him back in... He went off and puked AGAIN! At that point, I was ready to take him to the Emergency Vet. As I got ready(he's lying there, feeling like crap and thinking I hate him), I started to feel his stomach to see if something was wrong. He hunched his back, gagged, and threw up again.

Keep in mind, he's only 6 months old; just a baby, and he's showing distinct signs of Parvo. He also had his last set of shots yesterday, so he could have been having a bad reaction to that.

{He is now 4! And I now have 2 more dogs, and 2 birds; My Zoo!}

We made it to the Vet, and there was a huge car wreck almost directly in front of the clinic...Geez, I was already nervous and worried. Seeing that shit just messed with my head even more. I do really hope that guy was okay. He didn't look so hot.{The image still gives me the creeps.}

Anyway, I get into the clinic, and the second I walk in with Rocco, he's happy as can be; jumping on counters; the vet techs, and whining like crazy at a lil' pup on the other side of office doors. I should have walked out right then... Okay, well anyway:

Exam consultation - $46
Emergency fee - $43

Injection for X-ray - $28
Radiographic Study - $140
SC Fluids - $42
Owning a “shit for brains” - priceless.

Rocco is just fine, but 300 bucks REALLY HURTS!{I miss my job!}

Even in the Beginning, One Should Always Review the Past

Seeing as I don't have anything new to say today, I'm going to post old rantings from my many different blog sites. My current thoughts will either be put with brackets(if I have any), {like this}, or written out before the original date:

March 31^st , 2007

Submerged; Almost Subhuman

"#1 Crush"

I will die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side; to know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears; and drown you fear

I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true; someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in; Hear your voice every time that I'm talkin'
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored.

I will burn for you; feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my achin' heart, and tear it apart
I will lie for you; beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me

Violate all the love that I'm missin'
Throw away all the pain that I'm livin'
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored

I would die for you.
I would kill for you.
I would steal for you.
I'd do time for you.
I'd wait for you.
I'd make room for you.
I'd sail ships for you;
To get close to you;
To be apart of you.
As I believe in you.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
I will die for you.

-Garbage-

This song was played to me when I first fell in love. I believe this, right here, is a love song. There's nothing cute and sappy about it, I know. This is my very first blog. I really thought It would be a great way for me to introduce you to my dark side.

{Which is silly, because my posts are hardly ever "dark." Now-- I think, that was my way of introducing how powerful my love can be.}

Anyway, hopefully there are many more to come.

*Don't forget to check out that song. “#1 Crush”- Garbage. It's from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack. Thanks.