When the Doctors don't Help

This is my most recent posting from a different blog site:

December 7^th , 2010

Please, Stop.

The whole world changes when I'm sick. Everything is different! I become afraid of everything and panic every time I leave the comfort of my home. It's funny how the human brain can do so many fucked up things to whichever body it's attached to.

I feel so helpless! Test after test, and still, nothing seems to be wrong. Obviously, something is wrong... or I wouldn't have to cower on my couch everyday with a heating pad, trying to forget about the pain. After so long, my pain tolerance has gone WAY down. I can't handle it anymore. It throws me into panic attacks and I desperately want it to end. I cry over thoughts of suicide. It saddens me that my thoughts go that far; as far as to thinking that death is the only way to end the suffering. This really is no way to live, but it's also no way to die.
I never thought I would be a sick person or a person in constant pain. The invincible feeling I had as a child followed me well into my teens. I held on to it longer than most, but it's gone. I'm a fighter and I'm fighting... but I'm starting to lose.

August 1^st , 2009

Let me Give you Something that is Real...

Where is the switch so many people use to turn off their problems?.. I need one.

Here I am, awake again. There's nothing I can do but write about it. I suppose it helps, but it doesn't turn off my brain. I always seem to find a sweet little sanctuary in the sound waves of music. Funny, though, how it doesn't help me sleep.

I really want to feel happiness again: true, pure, innocent bliss...

Why can't I just have an "off" switch where it won't feel like I'm selling my soul to use?

Because Nicole, you're an asshole. 

{Please, refrain from suggesting drugs, and or worse things!}

I Still Miss it...

July 28^th, 2009

I Wanted to Tell you, I Miss it.

All of these songs flood my mind with memories of the past; memories that make my whole body shake. I can't believe the things I've done, and where I am at now. I never did anything wrong, but my memories break me down into what looks like an abused child, quivering in the corner. Everyone who is anyone will tell me to stop listening, to stop beating myself up over the past.

I cannot help myself. It's like an addiction. I'm scared to remember, but I need to.

I miss myself.

I miss the one who knew me best.{I miss you too!}

When Love is Found and Lost; Not the Other Way Around

It's really hard for me to even publish this one. I feel trapped just reading it. It needs to be read though:

July 24^th, 2009

Starting Off... I'm sorry

There are so many things one can do to distract themselves. An important person in my life once told me to play some music while I pour my heart out in writing, and keep on writing; until my mind is IN writing. Also, another friend of mine recommended an internet radio site which plays the music I choose. It has been a few days now, and I am totally addicted to music and writing.

There has always been something about music...

I've been living for about 11 months now with my world upside down. In August of last year, I was laid off from the only thing that was allowing me to live an independent life. I had no idea my whole life would change so dramatically... I HAVE no idea what I am doing now. I wake up almost everyday expecting to be back in my old apartment, getting ready for another ritualistic day of work. Yes, I was one of those workaholics. It's not that I cared only about my job, it's just that I knew it was the only thing keeping me balanced in this thing the people of this world refer to as "the life."

That wasn't all I had though. I had a lover.

I want to tell you a little about how we met and what made us so drawn to one another. It's all simple really: He came to me and I saw him for the first time at my parent's house, standing at the corner of the driveway in a trench coat and sneakers. I ran up to hug him straight way... I don't even remember saying a word until after. That was it! Before I knew it, I was road tripping to Seattle with him and his two friends.

It was there that we shared our first kiss; my first ever. We held hands and walked down by the bay of the Puget Sound. I remember the smell of salt, and the slight breeze, which made me cling to him a bit more. He kept whispering that he loved me. I could never say it back, but I knew... I knew I loved him too. That trip alone, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. After we returned from our getaway, I decided that I was moving to Eugene, Oregon... to be with him.

The truth is, there were so many things that attracted me to him. He was different, like me. We shared the same soft heart, the same hate, the same passion for music. He was my one. For 5 years we were together. We never let anything of this world get to us. Anything that happened only made us stronger, and we stuck together.

Why we didn't last... he should know all too well{Yet, I don't think he ever will truly understand. And, I don't think I will ever be able to not feel like an asshole about it}...

When you Bleed just to Know You're Alive

 I remember driving the streets of the Waikiki strip in Honolulu, Hawaii. My friends and I were blasting this song, and singing to it at the top of our lungs. I only wonder if they actually felt the same way as I did; like nothing could touch us.

February 8^th 2008

Song for the Moment

Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

-Goo Goo Dolls-

This song is for the days that I don't want to wake up; the days I don't want to even go outside.

Oh, Holy Night

June 2,2007

Glass Breaking Silence

"My Violent Heart"

You and I, we may look the same
But we are very far apart
There's bullet-holes where my compassion used to be
And there is violence in my heart

Into fire you can send us
From the fire we return
You can label us a consequence
Of how much you have to learn

You can try but you'll never understand
This is something you will never understand
Can you hear it now?
Hear it coming now?
Can you hear it now?

On hands and knees
We crawl
You cannot stop us all
you wear our bones
our skin
We will not let you in

You have set something in motion

Much greater than you've ever known

Standing there in all your grand naivety

About to reap what you have sown

Time will feed upon your weaknesses
And soon you'll lose the will to care
When you return to the place that you call home
We will be there, we will be there

On hands and knees
We crawl
You cannot stop us all
Our blood will stay
We will not go away

On hands and knees
We crawl
You can not stop us all
Our blood, our grace
Will never leave this place
-Nine Inch Nails-

This song caught my attention today. The lyrics ran over and over again in my head:

The other night, I was out walking my dog, when someone threw a glass bottle, straight at us, out of their car window. I didn't even see the car or who threw it. I just remember feeling the shards of glass hit my leg the second it exploded on the concrete (For those of you who don't know, the sound of breaking glass gets to me in the worst way). It startled the hell out of me. I even cried for a minute.

Now, one thing I do not understand, in the first place, is why people do the things they do to people they don't even know... especially when they get paid no mind. I find it funny, that the only way these assholes get any reaction out of me, is by messing with my instincts. All I wanted to do is walk. I was almost one with the quiet night. I'm sure a lot of cars passed by that night, but didn't pay attention to a single one of them. For some reason, the person in THIS car couldn't stand it. They couldn't just let me be. What was it that they saw or thought that made them throw a GLASS bottle of all things?

What they didn't think about, was exactly who they were messing with.(laughs). They have no idea which fire they're fueling. I don't know who they are, and I don't need to. People like that only make me more proud to be the kind of person that I am. I don't care what they do to me. One thing they can NEVER break is my spirit or my fire. It's like a fire in a coal mine. It supplies it's own fuel, and NEVER goes out! {People like you just fuel my fire. People like you just do.

Yeah, I think this is the end of my rant. Go ahead, break my day.

The First Addition to my Zoo

 Since this incident, I've come to the conclusion that most dogs are bulimic. Rocco has been sick many more times since then. Also, It drives me nuts to read it, because my story-telling skills are awful. Enjoy:

June 2^nd , 2007

Rocco Gets Sick

About an hour or so ago, I was in the middle of posting a blog, when I hear this HORRID gagging, swishing sound. Rocco, my dog, had wedged himself in between the couch and footrest and puked this yellow mucus, which instantly started foaming...Yeah... I freaked. He thought I was mad at him and ran off, where he puked again, and again. I took him outside where he did it again, and again. He seemed to be feeling better, so I brought him back in... He went off and puked AGAIN! At that point, I was ready to take him to the Emergency Vet. As I got ready(he's lying there, feeling like crap and thinking I hate him), I started to feel his stomach to see if something was wrong. He hunched his back, gagged, and threw up again.

Keep in mind, he's only 6 months old; just a baby, and he's showing distinct signs of Parvo. He also had his last set of shots yesterday, so he could have been having a bad reaction to that.

{He is now 4! And I now have 2 more dogs, and 2 birds; My Zoo!}

We made it to the Vet, and there was a huge car wreck almost directly in front of the clinic...Geez, I was already nervous and worried. Seeing that shit just messed with my head even more. I do really hope that guy was okay. He didn't look so hot.{The image still gives me the creeps.}

Anyway, I get into the clinic, and the second I walk in with Rocco, he's happy as can be; jumping on counters; the vet techs, and whining like crazy at a lil' pup on the other side of office doors. I should have walked out right then... Okay, well anyway:

Exam consultation - $46
Emergency fee - $43

Injection for X-ray - $28
Radiographic Study - $140
SC Fluids - $42
Owning a “shit for brains” - priceless.

Rocco is just fine, but 300 bucks REALLY HURTS!{I miss my job!}

Even in the Beginning, One Should Always Review the Past

Seeing as I don't have anything new to say today, I'm going to post old rantings from my many different blog sites. My current thoughts will either be put with brackets(if I have any), {like this}, or written out before the original date:

March 31^st , 2007

Submerged; Almost Subhuman

"#1 Crush"

I will die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side; to know that you're mine

I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears; and drown you fear

I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true; someone like you

See your face every place that I walk in; Hear your voice every time that I'm talkin'
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored.

I will burn for you; feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my achin' heart, and tear it apart
I will lie for you; beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you're just like me

Violate all the love that I'm missin'
Throw away all the pain that I'm livin'
You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored

I would die for you.
I would kill for you.
I would steal for you.
I'd do time for you.
I'd wait for you.
I'd make room for you.
I'd sail ships for you;
To get close to you;
To be apart of you.
As I believe in you.
I BELIEVE IN YOU.
I will die for you.

-Garbage-

This song was played to me when I first fell in love. I believe this, right here, is a love song. There's nothing cute and sappy about it, I know. This is my very first blog. I really thought It would be a great way for me to introduce you to my dark side.

{Which is silly, because my posts are hardly ever "dark." Now-- I think, that was my way of introducing how powerful my love can be.}

Anyway, hopefully there are many more to come.

*Don't forget to check out that song. “#1 Crush”- Garbage. It's from the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack. Thanks.