When the Doctors don't Help

This is my most recent posting from a different blog site:

December 7^th , 2010

Please, Stop.

The whole world changes when I'm sick. Everything is different! I become afraid of everything and panic every time I leave the comfort of my home. It's funny how the human brain can do so many fucked up things to whichever body it's attached to.

I feel so helpless! Test after test, and still, nothing seems to be wrong. Obviously, something is wrong... or I wouldn't have to cower on my couch everyday with a heating pad, trying to forget about the pain. After so long, my pain tolerance has gone WAY down. I can't handle it anymore. It throws me into panic attacks and I desperately want it to end. I cry over thoughts of suicide. It saddens me that my thoughts go that far; as far as to thinking that death is the only way to end the suffering. This really is no way to live, but it's also no way to die.
I never thought I would be a sick person or a person in constant pain. The invincible feeling I had as a child followed me well into my teens. I held on to it longer than most, but it's gone. I'm a fighter and I'm fighting... but I'm starting to lose.