When Love is Found and Lost; Not the Other Way Around

It's really hard for me to even publish this one. I feel trapped just reading it. It needs to be read though:

July 24^th, 2009

Starting Off... I'm sorry

There are so many things one can do to distract themselves. An important person in my life once told me to play some music while I pour my heart out in writing, and keep on writing; until my mind is IN writing. Also, another friend of mine recommended an internet radio site which plays the music I choose. It has been a few days now, and I am totally addicted to music and writing.

There has always been something about music...

I've been living for about 11 months now with my world upside down. In August of last year, I was laid off from the only thing that was allowing me to live an independent life. I had no idea my whole life would change so dramatically... I HAVE no idea what I am doing now. I wake up almost everyday expecting to be back in my old apartment, getting ready for another ritualistic day of work. Yes, I was one of those workaholics. It's not that I cared only about my job, it's just that I knew it was the only thing keeping me balanced in this thing the people of this world refer to as "the life."

That wasn't all I had though. I had a lover.

I want to tell you a little about how we met and what made us so drawn to one another. It's all simple really: He came to me and I saw him for the first time at my parent's house, standing at the corner of the driveway in a trench coat and sneakers. I ran up to hug him straight way... I don't even remember saying a word until after. That was it! Before I knew it, I was road tripping to Seattle with him and his two friends.

It was there that we shared our first kiss; my first ever. We held hands and walked down by the bay of the Puget Sound. I remember the smell of salt, and the slight breeze, which made me cling to him a bit more. He kept whispering that he loved me. I could never say it back, but I knew... I knew I loved him too. That trip alone, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. After we returned from our getaway, I decided that I was moving to Eugene, Oregon... to be with him.

The truth is, there were so many things that attracted me to him. He was different, like me. We shared the same soft heart, the same hate, the same passion for music. He was my one. For 5 years we were together. We never let anything of this world get to us. Anything that happened only made us stronger, and we stuck together.

Why we didn't last... he should know all too well{Yet, I don't think he ever will truly understand. And, I don't think I will ever be able to not feel like an asshole about it}...