A Good Day for "Blah"

What I've done

In this farewell
There's no blood
There's no alibi
'Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away

What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

-Linkin Park


Today, for some reason, I can't seem to fight this extreme feeling of humiliation... if it's even that. Every second feels like another freak-out or breakdown waiting to happen. I'm really starting to wonder what in the hell is going on with me. I'm acting in a way that I am COMPLETELY unfamiliar with. I don't want anyone to see me this way. I don't even want to see me this way; let alone BE this way. Bare with me, Self!

A Little More Than a Spaz...

I wish everyone was here to experience the magic and beauty flowing out of my stereo and blasting through the house! I'm a conductor; a guitarist; a drummer; a singer; a dancer and head-banger(all through the art of “air”)! I OWN this stage! I am unstoppable! Music is my vice...

\m/ (>.<) \m/

Resentful Displeasure or Not

Is one only considered to have good morals if they take resentful displeasure in the fact that others have different beliefs than them? What about people like me, who are easy-going and don't get offended by simple little things?

A few days ago, I had a woman tell me that she did not want to associate with someone who did not get offended by something they didn't believe in. I went on to tell her that it was silly to assume that people don't have any kind of morals if they don't get offended, and therefore, not wanting to be around them. This debate went on for awhile... I left off with saying something along the lines of: “Getting offended is selfish and somewhat narcissistic. No one should expect others to go out of their way to not offend someone.” At that point, she deleted the entire debate and here's what she said when I asked her why (As to not mention any names, we will call her Narcissa):

Narcissa - “lol...movin on lady movin on...hope you aren't offended-lol”

My Response - “Not offended, but how come you don't delete all of your posts to move on? I really wanted to show my husband our back and forth. I just see no reason for you to have deleted it.”

Narcissa - “Well it isn't your wall now is it...hahaha!!” { Wall, meaning on facebook}

My Response - “Everyone deletes my postings, I swear. Maybe I'm too pushy, or I make too much sense... whatever. I just think it's lame that you deleted it for no apparent reason.”

Narcissa- “Just call me the lamealotacus, stomp your foot a few times and get over it...would be silly to hold on to irritation or offense to a deleted post...hehe” {Oh yeah? Sounds like you're ready to Tango with Nicole... Let's go.}

My Response - “Oh, I see what you're trying to do. Why are you trying to offend me? So, that was your intention for deleting the post. I learn something new everyday... hmm. “

Narcissa- “Yes...upset is just one of the ways people show they are offended by actions or words...we ALL have our Achilles heel...I am an intelligent woman, but I am very sensitive...so when my feelings are hurt (which isn't hard to do at all) I am offended...but I gathered that you are more of a thinker than a feeler, so I took the opportunity to take away your need to reflect on a great debate...we can all learn from eachother...even those who vary greatly from our personality type...as long as there is respect...that was why I added you as a friend...that, and I think you may have issues with connecting with others on a deep emotional level-lol” {This bitch, “took the opportunity” to take away my need to reflect on a great debate? I'm still laughing at that one. “As long as there is respect.” Watch as I pull some respect right out of my ass...}

My Response-”Well, I wasn't offended that you deleted it. I just wanted to know why, and you wouldn't say directly, but it is now obvious that it was to get a reaction out of me. I NEVER said that I don't get offended. I'm also not a test subject, and don't need someone to treat me like a psych patient. Don't fuck with me! If you knew me at all, you would know how much of a feeler I actually am. I FEEL so much for other people, that I'm not quick to judge, and I definitely leave people to their own morals. Also, when I add friends, it's NOT because I want to teach them a lesson. Who the hell do you think you are? Also, go ahead and delete this so your precious friends can't read about you DISRESPECTING someone, just as you wouldn't like someone to do to you. You're right, we can all learn from each other. ANYONE who tries to find my "Achilles Heel," just to throw it in my face... IS NOT a friend. You should have taken your own advice from what you commented on MY wall post, which I didn't delete. I don't know what makes you think that you've got the right to play therapist. Friendship is NO game... even for "a thinker." { In short- Don't fuck with me!}

Some people need to actually practice what they preach. I usually never go on the offensive, but I will instinctively go on the DEFENSIVE when someone tries to fuck with my head. People can believe whatever they want to believe, without trying to drag others into it. I wish more people would be able to let others be who they are. But, I also understand that when someone is intentionally trying to upset someone else's well-being, certain defense mechanisms are going to kick in. Easy-going does NOT mean weak. It just means that you save your energy for worth while battles. Everyone has their own morals, and it's up to THEM to decide whether they are right or wrong; good or bad.

Poor Narcissa, the world will NEVER flip upside down for you. Be prepared to be offended for the rest of your precious little life!

The Whole Truth and Nothing But

The hardest part about being blunt and telling the truth is that I don't have many close friends. And the friends I do have, tend to shy away from telling me things, because they don't want to hear the plain truth. I can only say it nicely so many times. People need to get better about handling the truth, and not expect everyone to walk on eggshells around them. I would so much rather someone tell me that I'm being stupid(or whatever it is they think of me), upfront, than find out that they think I'm stupid, yet don't want to hurt my feelings. Just like any relationship, friendship isn't something to flake around with. I don't want fake nice people around me. I want REAL, honest people; people who don't aim to please.
At the same time, I understand how the truth can make people feel absolutely horrible about themselves... but wouldn't someone rather be the one friend who helps someone face the harsh truth, rather than the friend who sugar-coats everything, so the friendship stays in a happy little bubble?
Some people actually treat their love and marriage relationships like this. How can they live life so fake? That would eat me up inside...On another note, sticking with the truth is more depressing, I think. It sometimes fills me with so much hate, that I don't know what to do with myself. I can completely understand why someone would be crazy and would resort to any means to get away from pain like that. If I were to live my life by flooding myself with truth, I would have "off-ed" myself already. There is so much pain and suffering in truth... especially when you think about people in other countries(what ACTUALLY happens to them), Animal cruelty, pollution, etc... The truth about any of those things can bring even the strongest mind to its knees.
Maybe THAT'S the hardest part for me... Knowing that we HAVE to stray away from the truth sometimes... for sanity's sake. But, at the same time, the harsh truth can be an excellent way to encourage and/or motivate people to take action. I still want truth... even if it breaks me. It's REAL, and that's what I want to be.

When the Doctors don't Help

This is my most recent posting from a different blog site:

December 7^th , 2010

Please, Stop.

The whole world changes when I'm sick. Everything is different! I become afraid of everything and panic every time I leave the comfort of my home. It's funny how the human brain can do so many fucked up things to whichever body it's attached to.

I feel so helpless! Test after test, and still, nothing seems to be wrong. Obviously, something is wrong... or I wouldn't have to cower on my couch everyday with a heating pad, trying to forget about the pain. After so long, my pain tolerance has gone WAY down. I can't handle it anymore. It throws me into panic attacks and I desperately want it to end. I cry over thoughts of suicide. It saddens me that my thoughts go that far; as far as to thinking that death is the only way to end the suffering. This really is no way to live, but it's also no way to die.
I never thought I would be a sick person or a person in constant pain. The invincible feeling I had as a child followed me well into my teens. I held on to it longer than most, but it's gone. I'm a fighter and I'm fighting... but I'm starting to lose.

August 1^st , 2009

Let me Give you Something that is Real...

Where is the switch so many people use to turn off their problems?.. I need one.

Here I am, awake again. There's nothing I can do but write about it. I suppose it helps, but it doesn't turn off my brain. I always seem to find a sweet little sanctuary in the sound waves of music. Funny, though, how it doesn't help me sleep.

I really want to feel happiness again: true, pure, innocent bliss...

Why can't I just have an "off" switch where it won't feel like I'm selling my soul to use?

Because Nicole, you're an asshole. 

{Please, refrain from suggesting drugs, and or worse things!}

I Still Miss it...

July 28^th, 2009

I Wanted to Tell you, I Miss it.

All of these songs flood my mind with memories of the past; memories that make my whole body shake. I can't believe the things I've done, and where I am at now. I never did anything wrong, but my memories break me down into what looks like an abused child, quivering in the corner. Everyone who is anyone will tell me to stop listening, to stop beating myself up over the past.

I cannot help myself. It's like an addiction. I'm scared to remember, but I need to.

I miss myself.

I miss the one who knew me best.{I miss you too!}